By: Jocelyn
https://nubevacia.blogspot.com/2007/09/mi-alma-ha-cruzado-el-umbral-del-final.html
I woke up this morning wanting to stay asleep,
the few hours in which I manage to fall asleep
They are no longer enough to end the day.
Sleepless nights analyzing my routine
they are perpetual instants for a long time.
Eternal are the minutes when I remember
the beating that life has given me.
I feel my body tired, my mind overwhelmed,
crying has fired me for months
when crossing the portal of dreams.
Every time it dawns
I feel the regret of another identical day,
I feel the annoying voices
of those who ask without paying attention to my answer.
I see the automatic smiles
of those who greet without knowing.
I think and think … I can’t stop searching
among the crowds a face
that at least makes me forget.
A cold bed, dirty dishes,
a room that seems washed out by a typhoon
they remind me that I survive alone there,
That is the cave in which I must hide
of the pack that hopes to devour my bones
when by an oversight he lets me see.
There is no heat in my words
nor less in those of that news conductor
that informs me with a worried face (fictitious by the way),
the rise of depressive states in women who like me hear him.
Now I know that I am a number, one more digit
in that superficial percentage.
Now I know that we are a number sooner or later
of a comma that is advertised red on the television.
“That he jumped into the waters of Mapocho”,
“That they found her hanging from a bridge”,
news that is the reflection of vague ideas
that ever turned in my mind,
and that others … others specified.
Later the ideas continue to hint at me,
more than clear I see a scene
Of what could be my sad end
Tears gushed out like torrents
seeing that someone already thought about my fatal moment.
What else do I have then? …
An empty house that I don’t want to get to?
A lonely plate on my table that no one wants to share?
Some hugs without owners scattered around?
I fall apart as I understand my situation
And I start looking for something to hold on to
Something to fade this pain
I think the hours of lucidity are over
and I give free rein to the critic inside me.
There is nothing that encourages me to wake up
I see that loneliness entered my days
and he doesn’t want to let me go.
I’m falling off a cliff that I won’t be able to get out of,
the night comes again signaling my hours of wakefulness.
And I go back to hell to finish my sentence,
I return to burn the rest of my soul in its flames.
I feel his eternal fire consuming my insides
and I surrender unopposed to the assigned penalty.
I will not fly anymore … Lucifer burned my wings,
I will no longer caress … he himself cut my hands,
I’ll never be able to kiss because he already patched my mouth
and I’ll never love again because he ripped me off
Mercilessly the heart from his chest.
I’m empty and I don’t stop burning
I am dry wood in the cauldron of this hell.
Dry … dry … empty … collapsed,
I am a castle in ruins, trampled … beaten down.
And I’m not even going to die anymore …
not even that sweet pleasure will I be able to enjoy from my confinement.
So many times I was able to escape and I didn’t,
so many times I was able to fly and I did not take the wind that pushed me.
Today is late … I am burning alive at the stake
feeling the stench of my dead body,
of advanced decomposition,
of my soul boiling inside.
Alone … with so many stones around me,
inert, inanimate, soulless matter.
And I’m going to be stone too …
I’ll be a stone after burning in hell
when I no longer have a soul,
when the few reasons that dance in my conscience escape from me.
Eternal, static, routine stone,
long-lived rock ignored by the green,
thrown off the cliff to collide with others.
Empty … empty … I’m falling into the void.
And I wonder when my torment will end.
I don’t want to be eternal … I don’t want to …
eternally alone … empty … eternally dry.
The end is no longer in my hands …
the fire will burn me daily.
I won’t be able to fly anymore … I don’t have my wings,
I will no longer be able to fly … my wings have already been burned.
I have returned to my hell,
the sweet peace was but a second.
Today I burn in its tireless flames,
I melt in its fiery embers.
Pain has returned to my life
the devil has marked me forever,
I have a designated destination
to the bottom I will go to fall like other times.
A curse came my way
and not even God can free me from his confinement.
Joy is a submerged island
and this pity a lurking storm.
I no longer have a shield to hide
no weapons to defend my castle.
Betrayal is the fire that burns me
and tears of eternal acid flow to me.
I’m falling off the cliff
and I see that when I crash I will lose my dream.
They pushed me and they stuck knives
that when I fell I felt to the bone.
Abyss … hell … everything has the same name
when you have to get to the bottom.
Betrayal … pain … everything is the same dagger
that ends the life of my body.
I already lost my soul …
… is burning in hell,
and I will no longer have a body
when the worms at dawn wake up in my bones …
I’m losing control …
I can no longer handle the strings of my life.
Loneliness has cut the brakes on my reason
I’m going to crash against the wall of your indifference.
An accident threw me to life
and a (planned) accident takes me away from it.
Accidentally today I decided the end of my path,
as if by magic a concrete idea appeared.
I lock myself up so as not to be interrupted
and I count the seconds to reach my dusk.
He gave me three hours to say goodbye.
Nine o’clock is a wise time to start.
An hour grooming my future remains,
another to write this letter
and the third to consummate my thoughts.
At twelve … at twenty-four …
twenty-four steps to cross the last threshold,
twelve sighs before finishing it all.
I am sailing in a small red sea
trapped by small tiles in a cold bathroom.
The show is going to end,
the curtain falls on this sad misery.
Last look around me …
nothing new … all old … all rotten.
I undress my body and prepare to swim,
It is the penultimate luxury that I give myself …
a warm tub welcomes me and shelters me in its waters.
Songs for a sad ending
flowers for this body that is left behind.
I quickly review my life
and as much as I search among the memories
there is not one that anchors me to it.
I see old letters in the chest,
vintage photos of hypocritical smiles
that one by one they sink next to me in the farewell.
A letter from him, a letter from her …
What do I know! … so many faces come to mind
that I get confused and I don’t know who wrote them.
So many names, so many lies
so many eternal loves and friendships,
so many good wishes, prosperity for a new year.
But none are here
no one imagines this fatal outcome,
everyone in his world …
away from mine …
My cat left so as not to starve,
my life is leaving so as not to starve,
hunger for company, hunger for love, for affection.
Everything I ever dreamed of ever,
and when I say never really is never
has come true.
Why then stay on this side?
I do not know what about the other but it is better to find out.
Nothing could be worse …
I couldn’t be worse …
I feel no pain
I am anesthetized with anxiety.
I don’t feel the slide of this metal petal.
The tickle of the colorful stream that escapes through my veins
warns me that the end has begun.
I see how he flees from me every millimeter of life.
I surrender to the current closing my eyes …
Now I just have to wait.
I promptly give rise to this eternal dream.
I’m going to sleep … I’m going to rest …
THERE IS NO RETURN FOR THIS FATAL JOURNEY.
angst, geekery and lust 